The ME as of today
The ME of today is a lot different from the me of before... Before my life turned into a big sad chaotic nightmare... And I'm not even talking about the 13yrs of rape and abuse I survived as a kid or the murdering parents or the crackhead grandma or the psycho ex-husband(s) or the agoraphobia or the vasovagal syncope. All of that was nothing compared to the pain and agony I feel now. I can't even explain it all to a single soul. I don't have anyone I can trust. I've had my world taken from me and under false pretenses. I find it hard to even take a step on a daily basis. I can't breathe. I can't eat. I lost my will. I lost my dignity. I lost everything. So why am I still alive? My childhood alone was enough to make anyone want to kill themselves yet here I am. I didn't do nothing to change the world. My life isn't nothing to brag about, quite the opposite in fact. What is this reason that keeps me here? I wanna say it's my kids but they are better off without me. Everyone just wants to keep blowing smoke up my ass and say shit like "speak to someone" or "it will be ok" but no one is truly helpful or offering a real shoulder to lean on unless there is a motive. For the last 35+ years I've always known I was alone but I really feel it now. 100% truly alone. I hope that no one ever feels this way. Except for my worst enemies. I hate that phrase too. "I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy." Bitch please, yeah you would. It's called human nature... It's natural to want revenge... Just like it's natural we are all so worried about what everyone thinks so we pretend like we are better than that when we say that fake phrase. I just wish I could die already and then before I'm booted to hell I can finally ask God what his reasoning was. My life has no meaning and I know it. I'm unloveable, I'm unhappy, I'm not talented, I'm nothing. Just an abused, broken, idiotic dumb chic who can jot a few words... Nothing will ever get published besides those few damn poems I've uploaded. I'm no one. A different me from the old me yes but I'm still (and always will be) just as useless as I was at day 1. Please take this 1 human who doesn't matter off the board. 1 person can only handle so much and I'm tired. I'm passing the baton to someone else. I'm not strong enough to endure anymore. No one will even notice and will not be affected. It's as easy as a Thanos snap.... Please?!
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